Unknown

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.

San Francisco is like granola: Take away the fruits and the nuts and all you have are the flakes.

Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.

Religion is a bedtime story for adults afraid of the big dark.

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton restless.

Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward.

The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough, and people last too long.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Like all self-made men he worships his creator.

In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get out.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?

Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?

Man was predestined to have free will.

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.

The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience.

Courage is always greatest when blended with meekness; intellectual ability is most admired when it sparkles in the setting of modest self-distrust; and never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive any injury.

If you don't like your own character there may be a new one ready-made and waiting for you. The snake sheds its skin with impunity, relying on the same nature which you rely on.

Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared, but only men of character are trusted.

You can't truthfully explain your smallest action without fully revealing your character.

The right amount of unpredictability should not be left to chance.

Cannibals aren't vegetarians, they're humanitarians.

A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God.

In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist.

A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.

Keep things as they are--vote for the Sado-Masochistic Party.

As long as we view each other as groups, we will be manipulated by scoundrels.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

And the alternative to moralism is what exactly?